For the longest time, my husband has been begging me to write, because I’m so damn hilarious. But as a new mom, my free time is pretty much limited to doing laundry, meal prep, working out and the occasional afternoon of watching Friends reruns and reading something completely mindless like Mindy Kaling’s book. But…you know, I’m feeling inspired. I feel like all the wonderful and appreciative people in my life will be absolutely delighted to read what’s really going on in my head.
So, I’m gonna give you a little list of hot topics for me right now–
1) Sharing religious/political crap on facebook is unnecessary if you use it to “socially network” with your coworkers. Seriously…keep that sh*t to yourself. I’m not going to watch/read it anyway.
2) If 37 of your friends have already shared a link on facebook, do you really need to share it, too?
3) I’m tired of hearing how hard it is to work out or make an effort to think about what your putting in your pie hole. You know what’s hard? Having your toe fall off from diabetes complications. Having a stroke. Breaking a hip. I do good for my body now so I won’t be a crochety old ball of wrinkles unable to enjoy my grandchildren.
4) It takes about as much time to make Hellburger Helper as it does to season some ground bison, form it into patties, cook it and serve it with some salad and a few slices of avocado. Bonus: no freaky corn and soy byproducts going ape on your organs.
5) My sweet baby has figured out the jumperoo. To her credit, she’s very short for her age, so her feet have only really reached the ground for about a week. Anyway, for the past 2 days she’s been delighting the hell out of herself in her little jumperoo. Pretty cute. Brightened my day after I spent way too much time on the phone dealing with my [deployed] husband’s stolen debit card information.
6) I’m tired of the mommy wars. Cloth diaperers, boobaholics, baby-led-weaners, formula feeders, rice cereal at 2 weekers, tummy sleepers. WE ARE ALL JUST DOING WHAT’S BEST FOR OUR BABY. Don’t wear it like a combat patch, ladies.
7) I feel bad for anyone who questions me about my eating habits. They get way more than they bargained for, including diatribes against corn, grains, high fructose corn syrup, industrial feed lots and the like. Sorry, y’all.